I’ve been thinking a lot lately about identity and stress and confidence in God, mostly because they are all areas in my life that can be improved.
I’m just more convinced than ever that a rock solid identity in God – and nothing else – is such an unbelievably freeing and empowering thing.
That’s how we become what we were meant to be in God and break loose of insecurities. In light of that, I’m doing this little exercise myself, and I thought I’d share it in case it’s relevant to anyone else.
So far it’s 3 things :
1 Anytime I look in the mirror and sigh a little at something, I’ll say aloud ‘God loves that’.
2 Anytime I get frustrated with myself for messing up with sin again, I’ll say aloud ‘God has forgiven that.’
3 Anytime I feel stressed I’ll say ‘God’s with me through this and is using it for His glory .’
I’ll let you know how it goes!
I’ve been putting a lot of thought into identity lately.
Particularly, how your relationship status affects it.
It’s tempting for me to picture having a boyfriend—or a whole family—and think things like:
- I just want to have someone to belong to
- I won’t really feel like a grown-up till I’m in a serious relationship
- I can’t wait to have someone to introduce to my family.
And well-meaning people can reinforce this. At Aunty Fay’s funeral last week, I had someone make about three or four comments about my singleness. It didn’t matter to them that I have a good job, a budding writing career, and am building my first home. No, they just wanted to know when I’d be getting married.
That can really make you feel like you’re not a whole person until you’ve ‘checked that box’.
But I am more convinced than ever that our identities MUST stand secure, completely separate from our relationship status, career progress, financial situation and anything else that affects how we see ourselves.
Because even if I get the things I want, if I allow them to affect my identity, I open myself up to a whole range of insecurities.
If my identity is affected by my writing, on a day that my sales drop, I’m going to feel like a failure. If my identity is affected by my relationship status, on the day my relationship hits a rocky patch, I’m going to feel like a failure.
The truth is, for me to be the fullest version of myself, I do not need to be a girlfriend or a wife. I don’t need to be a published writer. I don’t need to have financial security.
I just need to remember that I’m a lost person saved by God’s incredible love. The other things will come and go, but that will never change.
I’ll admit it; I like to be the best.
Whether it’s beating my friends in a game, coming up with the top idea at a work meeting or winning an award, being the best at something—no matter how small—feeds a deep-seated belief in me.
It says, I am not Most People.
Throughout my life I’ve striven to be better than Most People. Most People aren’t careful with their money. Most People aren’t diligent about spending regular time with God. Most People don’t bother to turn their ideas into a book. A lot of advice I hear sounds like, ‘most people do this, but you should do that’. And I do. I’ve become proud of it.
But that attitude has crippled my identity. Especially as a wannabe author.
For a long time I’ve equated being like Most People, to failure. I shouldn’t be like Most People; I should be better than that. I know better, I try harder, I work smarter.
But keeping that (very arrogant) mindset while trying to become an author is … well, it’s soul-crushing. This industry is so hard to succeed in. Even if I become part of the tiny minority that scrapes some profit from a book, the percentage of authors who have a long-standing career is even tinier. Looking at this big, scary industry, I’m overwhelmed with the fear that I will turn out to be Most People after all.
That fear has driven me to write more, learn faster and stress repeatedly. Failure is not an option, but if you judge a writing career by my (ridiculously high) standards, it’s not only possible, but probable. And if my identity as a successful person, a person who’s better than Most People, is tied to my writing career, then my own dream is a massive threat to my identity.
This is something God’s been working on in my heart ever since I decided to start seriously working on my first book, at the start of 2013. I’ve blogged about it throughout the year. Every time I investigated what it takes to get published or ways to promote my work, I’d feel panicked. Every time I tried an idea and it didn’t pan out, the pressure increased.
God repeatedly told me that success is not measured by numbers, but by obedience. And I could acknowledge those truths in my head, but my heart usually just muttered something under its breath and sulked off.
But lately, I’m starting to notice change in myself. The more I consider the idea of self-publishing (not that I’ve decided anything yet), the more I’m okay with not having my name plastered across every Christian bookstore. If God doesn’t plan for me to make money from my writing, that’s alright. If my career is short-lived, that sucks, but it’s okay as long as it’s part of His plan.
Now the pressure to crack the secret of book marketing is decreasing all the time. And thank goodness for that, because it was getting heavy. I want to simply try my best, be obedient, work hard, and then watch my career go in the direction God wants it to go … whatever direction that is. If He plans for me to reach 50,000 people, that’s what will happen. If it’s 500 people, that’s also what will happen. Neither option makes me a better or worse person.
All that matters is my obedience.
Welcome to the new website everyone!
As I launch this baby and approach the half-way mark in my latest manuscript, I’m celebrating by offering everyone a sneak peek at my novel-in-progress, All I Am.
Just sign up to my newsletter in the sidebar on the right and you’ll receive the back cover blurb of my book, sent to your inbox.
Also, the new site comes a new web address. This site is now http://www.jessicaeveringham.com and instead of ‘Consumed By Him’ it’s called ‘Jessica Everingham Writing’.
But don’t worry—this is just a facelift. The guts are staying the same.
My blog, novels, recommendations and short stories are all still available.
Additionally, I have a guest post up today at Janet Sketchly’s blog. Click here to read My Identity Is Broken.
It’s something I’ve been learning a lot about this past week, so make sure you check it out.
Now go sign up and tell me what you think of the book! All feedback is welcome. 🙂