Identity, singleness and how it affects everything else

 

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I’ve been putting a lot of thought into identity lately.

Particularly, how your relationship status affects it.

It’s tempting for me to picture having a boyfriend—or a whole family—and think things like:

  • I just want to have someone to belong to
  • I won’t really feel like a grown-up till I’m in a serious relationship
  • I can’t wait to have someone to introduce to my family.

And well-meaning people can reinforce this. At Aunty Fay’s funeral last week, I had someone make about three or four comments about my singleness. It didn’t matter to them that I have a good job, a budding writing career, and am building my first home. No, they just wanted to know when I’d be getting married.

That can really make you feel like you’re not a whole person until you’ve ‘checked that box’.

But I am more convinced than ever that our identities MUST stand secure, completely separate from our relationship status, career progress, financial situation and anything else that affects how we see ourselves.

Because even if I get the things I want, if I allow them to affect my identity, I open myself up to a whole range of insecurities.

If my identity is affected by my writing, on a day that my sales drop, I’m going to feel like a failure. If my identity is affected by my relationship status, on the day my relationship hits a rocky patch, I’m going to feel like a failure.

The truth is, for me to be the fullest version of myself, I do not need to be a girlfriend or a wife. I don’t need to be a published writer. I don’t need to have financial security.

I just need to remember that I’m a lost person saved by God’s incredible love. The other things will come and go, but that will never change.

What to do with discouragement

I’ve been increasingly discouraged over the past two months or so, with a few different factors building over that time.

When this time first started, I said that the events happening weren’t in my control; all I could do was continue to be obedient and trust God.

To be honest, I think I’ve kinda forgot about that over the past month.

I’ve allowed a combination of circumstances to drag me down, and forgotten that it’s still my job to just keep praying and being obedient. Being glum doesn’t help anyone.

I have a few friends who really encouraged me on Monday night, and that really helped jump-start me again.

They reminded me that expectations don’t matter, but joyful obedience does.

It reminds me of one of the last things Jesus said to Peter:

When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”

 Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.

John 21:21-22 NIV (emphasis mine)

Am I really relying on God?

I woke up this morning with a to-do list in my head.

In the next two days I’ve gotta talk to builders, do my tax, go to the dentist, edit my book, visit a friend, run home group, and write this blog. Oh, and go to work. And find clean clothes to wear.

It’s not impossible, but the list is taking up a lot of brain space. And making me a little tense.

But while I was thinking about it this morning, God was like, “Why are you concerned? I can deal with the blog. I can deal with the book. They’re both things that should happen in My time anyway.

“And the other things will all be done once these two days are over.

“So chill. I’ve got this.”

To which my response is, “Sweet. Please help me to be chill. And pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let things go well at the dentist!”

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:6-7 NIV

 

Figuring out success

God’s challenged me this week not to make success an idol.

I’ve been getting a little stressed lately, just over the thought of possibilities in my writing future. Stuff like the edits will be endless, no publisher will like my book, and once I get published my career will tank within a couple of books.

All of those thoughts really been pounding through my head. That’s not from God. And that’s faithless. I need to hand that over to Him.

I write for two reasons: enjoyment, and obedience to God.

So where does stress factor into either of those two things?

Think about it: why would God want me to write? It’s not like He can’t think up His own words. No, God doesn’t need me to write at all. But He wants to take the journey with Him. And He wants me to learn to trust Him.

And what do I define success as, anyway? A relationship of love, trust and obedience with God. That may include a great writing career, a mediocre one or none at all.

My job is to simply do my best, and walk with God through it all.

A challenge to trust, remember the dance floor

the-sea-in-december

Mum challenged me with a question when I was worried about something over the weekend:

“How can you tell others to trust God when you can’t trust him in this circumstance?”

Snap!

She said it very nicely, but hit the nail right on the head.

It reminded me of this part of the Bible:

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matthew 14:25-33 NIV

 

I have to admit, I start sinking all the time, so Mum’s reminder is a good one. If I’m telling others to trust, it’s nothing less than hypocritical to not trust God myself. Understandable, in some circumstances, but still hypocritical.

So, how do I trust?

For me, it always helps to listen to the song ‘Oceans’, by Hillsong United. This is the song that got that critical draft of my book done in just 10 weeks before the writing conference last year. Every time I freaked out (happened on average every 3 hours), I listened to it. And it reminds me that God is bigger than whatever problem I’m focusing on.

I also have some go-to Bible verses, (Is 40, Phil 4:6-7, Ps 139 and Ps 55 are favourites) and I remember what I learned from Daisy: whatever’s happening, God can and will use it for His glory.

And prayer makes a difference. On Sunday I remembered this post from 2014, and how I used to spend time with God on the dance floor. That post really defined my prayer life for at least six months, but in the two years since I slowly forgot about it.

I’m glad God reminded me. 🙂 It was a really special thing, still is.

What about you? What do you do when your trust is challenged?

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